I have been avoiding this blog post. So much that I skipped two months of blogging. It’s one of the most difficult things to discuss in this entire journey. I want to say that this is my experience. I am not trying to represent all women. I don’t fully understand all your pain but I may be able to relate.
Let’s recap quickly so you’re up to speed:
- I was diagnosed with fibroids
- Had two myomectomies
- Found out my Fallopian tubes were blocked
- Embarked on the IVF journey
Let’s start from April 2015. Having gone through the IVF stimulation and fertilization phases, I now had embryos to transfer into my uterus.
The transfer process is painless. You’re wide awake and you can see what’s being done via an ultrasound screen. You take some Ibuprofen to help with the cramping pain from the transfer.
So they take the embryo(s), in my case we decided on two. I was like I might be able to just do this once and have twins and I’ll be good. I also always remembered that bible verse and thought surely “He shall return to me double”.
I remember when it was done, my husband made a comment about being careful so that “it” won’t fall out. I was like eerrrrmm. It does not work that way sir.
I remember the nurses congratulating us as I was wheeled away to change and go home. It’s a quick process, like 30 minutes I think.
Anyway, after they put the embryo basically in the lining of the uterus, I was on three days of bed rest. During this time, you are off your feet completely except to pee/poop and in my case I just had to shower so I showered while squatting as I thought standing would be bad. The reason so this is even though the embryos are in the uterus you really don’t know if they will implant and start developing into a fetus. So they just want to give your body the best chance to make this happen. I always say, that’s where the science ends cause there are no gaurantees.
I had my Netflix binging plan in place and my family and close friends were checking on me and keeping me in good spirits.
Worst part of this is the wait. Technically, the official test is not done until two weeks after th transfer so I was like a hopeful zombie for two weeks just waiting to fast forward to the future.
Fast forward and yes I was majorly preggo with super high HCG levels. Within a couple weeks they would confirm that both embryos implanted. I was pregnant with twins!!
The rest is a bit of a blurt as I have tried to forget the details. First of all when you go through IVF you have weekly visits in the first 11 weeks of pregnancy. Each appointment couldn’t come fast enough because I couldn’t way to see my babies. Those early days, I didn’t have a lot of symptoms so I craved the appointments.
So around week 8 or 9, I’m refusing to look back to confirm the details so please bare with me, I had an appointment just down the street with our realtor at an open house. My husband and I had decided we had to get more space. Anyway, I walked over, it was about 5 blocked down.
We went around the house, up the stairs. I really liked it and came back down to discuss some details. While I was seated, I felt a gush of fluid discharge. I thought that’s odd so I excused myself and went to the restroom connected to the same room. As soon as I sat I felt another gush and saw red-tinted fluid. I panicked washed up and said I had to leave. My realtors boyfriend was there and offered to drive me home. On the way home I called the fertility clinic in panic and they asked me to go home and rest.
When I got home as I was lying down, another discharge of fluid and at this point I was hysterical. I called my husband who was in a class and I was screaming and vrying and he tried to calm me down. I called the clinic back and the on call doctor scheduled an appointment for me the next morning. He said discharges can happen and it couldn’t be amniotic fluid cause I wasn’t that far along.
The next day we went in and a endovaginal ultrasound was done to check things out. First good news, we could hear the heartbeat of Baby A and it seemed strong. We couldn’t get a heartbeat from Baby B but doctor says not to be too concerned this early. The bad news was I had a lot of blood in my uterus and the doctor said I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage (Hematoma).
I’m going to try to do this quickly because I hate reliving the experience:
– the following Wednesday, the first heartbeat was still there but weaker. I was still spotting I think. The doctor asked me to hang in there.
– the following Wednesday. He had trouble finding the first heartbeat and said it could be because of the blood and that could mask the heartbeat.
– the next Wednesday we could clearly see that Baby B was no more. Baby A could be visible but no heartbeat. The doctor turned to me and said you are having a miscarriage.
In that moment I almost fainted. I felt my body go limp like I was separate from it. The doctor says he would leave for me to get dressed and to come and meet in his office.
I got dressed. I don’t remember if I called or texted anyone. I went in and he said he was worried that the bleeding would become excessive and I might have serious life threatening bleeding if we let the miscarriage happen on its own so he recommended a Dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure to remove what was left. I said I needed to think. On the way home I made some phone calls. My husband was out of the country and begged me to stop driving. I was initially driving to work in shock. Then I realized how stupid that was. Then I got home and left again to go to my regular OBGYN because surely they had missed something. When I got there they did there on ultrasound and confirmed the same thing and I just was so broken in that moment.
I went back home. A beautiful friend of mine insisted she had to come but I kept saying I wanted to be alone. She came anyway and I was so glad she did. She brought me flowers and lots of junk food. God bless you Tolu. She also wanted to take me home as she didn’t want me to spend the night alone. I refused because I knew that the moment I was left alone, I would have to wade in the flood of emotions and I wanted to get on with it.
I’m really trying to convey the depth of despair I felt that day and days after but I am struggling to access those memories cause it still hurts.
I remember asking why after everything God felt I needed to go through another difficulty. I was angry.
I remember blaming myself for walking 5 blocks. We all know that’s absurd but I did blame myself for walking etc.
I remember blaming myself for transferring two embryos then my OBGYN told me how she lost one pregnancy the same way but only transferred one embryo.
As I went through how impossible this could be, how this was not even remotely in my subconscious as a possible event, I just broke. I was just broken.
I thank God for my wonderful sister who sprang into action and booked tickets for my parents since she herself was pregnant and couldn’t travel. My wonderful friends that cried with me and just let me experience it. During this period my dear friend Kemi connected me with an angel who came over to hold me and comfort me as she had experienced losses of her own and in greater proportions.
I took some days off work after the D&C, I discovered that I had bereavement leave.
During the period I kept thinking, if I can just get pregnant again, I’ll be whole again. I knew that wasn’t true.
Within a few days after the D&C, I met with a counselor. I determined I was going to heal both physically, spiritually and psychologically before I tried another transfer. I was also determined not to be scarred for life because of this.
I took a few vacations – Japan and later Belize.
Heaven Is Here 